Listening
 
There is much about parenting that comes “naturally” but what comes “naturally” is not often what works best or IS best for your son or daughter. These next four articles will address the four “Ls” of parenting; some thoughts on listening, loving, setting limits and leaving a legacy of your family values for your child/children and how each of us may be more intentional in our parenting strategies.  How many of us felt like we were fully equipped and informed to be successful parents as we prepared for our first child? I don’t see very many hands in the air. Truthfully most of us relied upon the experience and observation of our own childhood to determine what we thought was successful and what we determined to jettison. However, in the acknowledgment that one size in fact DOES NOT fit all in the parenting realm, our observations are not adequate to prepare us for the unique skills we will need as the successful parents we aspire to be. Parenting stretches us and it brings out our best and worst attributes.  There are many wonderful parenting resources available to us. Two of my favorites are Foster Cline and Jim Fay; authors of Parenting by Love and Logic”.  They refer to the Authoritarian Parent (heavy handed control, the Helicopter parent (always hovering), and the Consulting parent. Cline and Fay promote the Consulting Parent style as being most effective as we teach empower our children by offering age appropriate choices and negotiated natural and assigned consequences for behavior. As our children mature in this parenting style, they are more fully prepared as they enter adulthood.  Another resource is Ted Tripp’s “Shepherding a Child’s Heart”. Tripp discusses motivating tools to encourage a child to fully embrace specific behavioral standards as we “capture their hearts” and not just their compliance.  I believe one of our greatest challenges as parents resides in communicating with our children; that includes expressing our thoughts in partnership with drawing out the thoughts of our children. Our son was the youngest of three children trying to assert himself within a “talkative” family. He expressed continual dissatisfaction that nobody listened to him.  Even though we told him we were listening, he was observing his parents “talking over” his observations, pay lip service to his questions while we went about our business of the day and failing to enter into his excitement of the moment. Empowered listening would involve focused attention, eye contact that says I’m engaged and acknowledgment that you understand what He was trying to communicate. Set aside the multi-tasking and make time to focus on the child.   Whether we agree as parents or not, perception is reality for our children. When our child indicates “you are not listening to me”, it is a warning indicator to stop, look and listen.  Noted Psychologist and best selling author Gary Smalley refers to this process as “honoring” our children as we prioritize as important what is important to our children. It is honoring to know we are not only heard, but listened to and understood.

One of our goals as parents is not simply to have our child understanding us, it is a two way process as we seek to understand them. As we understand that individual child with his/her unique personality and temperament we will be better and more effective parents to that child.  Reverend Billy Graham tells of a time early in his ministry when he arrived in a small town to preach a sermon. Wanting to mail a letter, he asked a young boy where the Post Office was. When the boy told him, Dr. Graham thanked him and said, “If you’ll come to the Baptist Church this evening, you can hear me telling everyone how to get to heaven. “I don’t think I’ll be there”, the boy said, “You don’t even know your way to the Post Office”. Our perception or understanding isn’t always accurate, is it?

My challenge to you this week is to ask your children - on a scale of 1-10 (1 being lowest, 10 being highest) how well do we listen to you? Ask and listen. You may learn something. *Look for future articles related to Parenting Essentials

By: Linda M. Callahan, MSW, LCSW

Articles Provided by Women of Influence. The views expressed are not necessarily the views of Entercom, or Women of Influence.